In this episode of Intimacy Play, Mikaela is joined by Alayna Joy, LGBT+ YouTube Content Creator.
Learn more about Alayna:
Alayna describes her personal journey realizing she’s gay.
Alayna was raised in a conservative family, in a small, religious town where she wasn’t familiar with the LGBTQ+ community at all. As a young girl she had heterosexual relationships and had crushes on boys. After discovering the term “bisexuality” she realised that she had similar feelings and a relationship with her best female friend lead Alayna to think that she was bisexual. She found the courage to come out to her close friends and boyfriend as well.
About five-six years ago, she decided to open up to her family about her sexuality. She also came out online which felt very liberating. Her partner encouraged her to learn more about it, and over the next five years, they slowly started to have a more open relationship. After she dated more women, she created a second life. She still had a boyfriend and they even got engaged. Alayna started to realize that leading two lives wasn’t a perfect solution.
During the lockdown and the pandemic, her side life was taken away from her as she couldn’t meet her queer friends whenever she wanted. Missing that second life helped her to understand that she could not live without it. That ultimately convinced her that she was gay. In the end, after a few difficult conversations, she decided to finish her long-term relationship with her fiancé.
Alayna talks about how she feels about being gay and how she sees things now
Before she realised and accepted her sexuality Alayna was trying to convince herself that having a straight relationship with her fiancé was all she’d ever wanted – she believed that’s what happiness looked like. Now, after accepting her sexuality, she feels like she can finally be herself and live the life that she always wanted: a life shared with another woman.
Can you be a gay woman and still be attracted to men?
Alayna describes what compulsory heterosexuality is, meaning that from a young age, we are taught that being attracted to the opposite sex is natural and at the same time we are not taught to question that.
Alayna then started to ask herself if she was attracted to women. She realized that she was confusing the enjoyment of being desired by a male partner with the experience of feeling desired.
There is the concept of aesthetic attraction, where you find someone pleasing to look at, though you don’t want to have a relationship or sex with that person.
Can you be aesthetically attracted to somebody and still have sexual pleasure without being romantically attracted to that person?
Yes, Alayna says that she would physically enjoy the act of sex with men. But she didn’t have that level of excitement. When she started to experience dating women, things felt different and so much better. Also, it’s super individual for everyone: there are gay women who know from day one they are not attracted to men at all but in some cases people may need to discover their sexuality just like Alayna.
Everybody’s journey is different.
Alayna gives some details about how a woman can understand that she is gay
As said before, it’s different for every person. Alayna felt a bit uncomfortable while dating men and that made her think that she was an a-romantic person. After she tried dating a woman, she noticed the difference she felt between dating and having sex with women in comparison to dating men.
What can indicate that you are attracted to the same sex?
Alayna suggests we should look for the signs of attractions. We can try taking a look at a picture of a person we find attractive and then think about sex, romance, friendship and see what types of feelings we experience. Introspect and get conscious about the feelings that you feel in these moments.
Also, Alayna recommends exploring The Lesbian Master doc which was so eye-opening for her.
The differences between being in a heterosexual and gay relationship
Alayna experiences new types of sensations and desires in a relationship with a woman. She feels that women are more emotional when talking about their feelings and have more open communication, but she doesn’t want to make a generalization as everybody is different and every relationship is different.
How do you know that you are gay, not bisexual?
Alayna thinks that we tend to put too much pressure on defining our sexuality, even in the LGBTQ+ community. Human sexuality is fluid and can change over a lifetime. If you are anxious over this dilemma, try new experiences with different people, discover what you like more and what is your no-go. That will help you to understand who you are and what you like, despite the sexuality label. Alayna also says that if you’re not 100% sure – that is okay too.
Tips for gay couples to keep the relationship open, exciting, and intimate.
Communication is crucial, and honesty is the best policy. Share with your partner your thoughts and desires.
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